No, it was not the devil. It
wasn't the Pope. And it certainly wasn't my husband. (He knew better than to ask me something like this!) It was honestly the Holy
Spirit. Do what, you ask? I had the audacity in this day and age to have a
<gasp> large family! Large, just how large? 3? 4? 6? No, we have 9, yes,
NINE! That probably puts us more in the sub-atomic size to some people. It
wasn't my idea, so don't blame me. I was going to have 2 kids. We were going to
be the quintessential American family. One boy, one girl, chocolate lab, brand
new Dodge Durango. Picture perfect, I tell you. And we ruined that. At least in
the eyes of a large portion of Americans.
Once our second child was
about 2 years old, I felt the tug for one more. Since we had one of each, there
was no pressure to even up on either gender. So #3 arrived. I loved, and still
love, those kids with every fiber of my being, but parenting was HARD for me! I
had zero patience for any shenanigans. I vowed to have no more, I was done! I
was fruitful and multiplied. Our good Lord could ask no more of me, could He?
Ha! Silly question, you silly girl!
How could I go about this “no
more babies” policy? A recent divine inspiration (which is an entirely extra
post!) taught me that birth control was wrong, not just in the eyes of my
Catholic faith, but to my Lord as well. So we were just about to start learning
NFP (Natural Family Planning) so I could keep my life safe from those pesky
babies!
Anyways, by the time that
third beautiful baby was turning 2, I felt a little more independence in life
and wanted something more to do. I already knew I was going to homeschool, so
how could I tie that in? A mom support group for homeschoolers at my parish,
where the kids could run around and get all that pesky “socialization” everyone
is always so worried about would be a great idea. And I was going to start it
up. Or was I? Starting something like this was definitely not my thing. Sure, I
could email the handful of area homeschooling moms I knew, that would be no
problem. Calling my parish priest? Um, yeah. No thanks. NOT my thing. Hmmm,
that was a huge hurdle. How could I get over my fear and anxiety and pick up
the phone? “I'll take it to prayer,” I thought. Whatever the Holy Spirit wants
me to do, I will do it. So I basically prayed, “Lord, you know my strengths and
my weaknesses. You know what path You want me on. What do YOU want me to do
with the rest of my life? Whatever it is You want me to do, I will do it.” Wow.
It didn't seem so powerful when the words came out of my mouth at first, but
then I realized I just gave Him full control over what I was to do next. My
first thought was actually quite hilarious. “What if He wants me to sell our
house and all our belongings and move to Africa and become missionaries?” I
hate hot weather and I hate bugs. Definitely not the place for me. But I
promised. Uh-oh. Obviously He knew I was ready for the path He wanted me on, or
He would not have put me at this point at this place and time. I am still
humbled by His trust in me. I hold on to that thought a lot. Thy will be done,
Lord, thy will be done. Remembering that this life, this prayer, everything was
His will for me strengthens me, bolsters me, helps me put a smile on my face
when things are rough. So what happened to that prayer?
Well my answer came. Clear as
a bell. I cannot remember anymore how long the answer took. It may have been
immediate, it may have been 2 or 3 days. But I heard, and I mean audibly, as if
someone was speaking right into my ear, “you are to have more children.”
There it was. His will for my
life. WHAT?????!!!!! NO! No, that cannot be right. I have three children, done
the fruitful and multiplying thing. I am done! I have told everyone and their
mother that I am done! Why on earth would I want more children? I even tried to
bargain with Him. “What about Africa? Don't they need Catholic missionaries
there? Send us there, Lord, please!”
“It's His will,” I thought. “I
promised to do whatever He wanted,” I thought. Anxiety set in. What was He
thinking? Didn't he watch me day after day, hour after hour, stressing over
these children? Losing my patience with them? Why on earth would He want
someone like me to have more children? And how many more are we talking?
So what happened? How did I
get from “the Holy Spirit has lost His mind” to nine children? Well, it took a
few days. My heart softened. Literally. Within 3 days, God's will for my life
soon became my heart's greatest desire. I longed to be pregnant. If this is
what God wanted for me, who was I to turn Him down. Of course at the time, I
was thinking He would send us two more! Not six! But here we are, about 13
years after I asked Him to show me His will, raising nine beautiful souls. And
I couldn't be happier or more fulfilled. I know many do not approve, but it is
not their approval I am looking for. I just found this reflection in my
grandmother's old prayer book. It is the ending of the reflection for the First
Glorious Mystery, The Resurrection of Jesus. “Jesus had many witnesses of His
failures, but none at His crowning success. His loneliest moment was His
triumphal resurrection. He was a success first of all before God—the only
worthwhile success.” God should be the only One we are concerned with getting
His approval.
I thank God every day that He
trusted me enough to birth and care for and raise these children so that
someday they may return to Him and His Kingdom. So when I say that “the Holy
Spirit made me do it,” I mean it. Literally!
Thanks be to God!
